Productive-ness!!

I just cut up my first whole chicken!  Super proud of myself. Thanks to a couple YouTube how-to videos, it was pretty simple.

AND I made a cake. A mocha-gooey-fudge-homemade-buttercream-frosting type of cake.

I'm done for the day.

"I never knew real love until my child was born."

I read a lot about moms saying they never knew what love really was until they had a child.  I've never felt like that.  But I don't think of that as a bad thing.  Actually, I think the contrary.  Because I've known what love really is for a long time.  My baby girl just meant more of it in my life.

I know some people would call me a bad mother for admitting this, but I love my husband just as much as I love my child.  I don't love my daughter more than my husband.  That's just the truth, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  For some reason, many moms seem to think that our children must be at the top of our Love List.  But why?  Personally, I don't understand how being a mom is the first moment when these moms really understood true love.  Does this man they've been with for however long does not meet the bar?  He's somehow inferior to this other person?  Does making a whole other person with this man, promising to spend every day with him until death, offering him every single vulnerable part of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually not constitute true, infinite, unyielding love?  Maybe I'm just lucky and got blessed with a super duper awesome husband that makes me feel just as significant and important and special as the child I gave birth to.

I love having dinner cooking away when my husband gets home.  I love to pack his lunch.  I love to look at him and soak in his smell and play with his hair.  I love to see him smile, and hearing him laugh is enough to make me happy all day.  My heart skips a beat EVERY day when he comes home from work.  Since we were children, every single day he's given me butterflies.  I love him.  He's not just my companion and partner, he's what makes me me.  Without him, I wouldn't be who I'm supposed to be.  I'm willing to depend on him that much.  To say that, without him, I wouldn't know who I am.  Together, we make one just like together, we made a baby.

The significance of life, trust, and love became obvious to me because of him.  Not giving birth or having a child.  He was first, she was second, and they are precious to me in equal amounts.  I see a child as the physical result and image of marriage.  They're the same thing: marriage and child.  It may not be perfect, and sometimes it's hard to deal with, but it's the two of you made into one.  It requires effort to build it up strong and confident and capable of withstanding outside influences that try to bring it down.  It's life changing and massively important to who we are.  Wives and mothers.

A husband is not an accessory or a burden or something you need to "train" or "deal with."  He is a part of you and you a part of him.  Any faults you find in him are faults you find in yourself.  You chose him, committed to him.  He should be just as precious to a woman as her child. 

Discipline Thanks to Social Media

Someone on my Facebook just posted a picture relating to yet another public humiliation discipline tactic.  I won't post a picture because I find it disgraceful to the child.  But in recap:

An 11 year old girl is being punished by her mother for twerking at a school dance.  The girl is made to stand on a busy street corner holding a sign that says "I embarrassed by parents by twerking at a school dance."

This stuff really cheeses me off.  It's absurd.  Beyond absurd. 

First off...  How does this 11 year old know about twerking?  I'm not naive enough to think you can shield your children from all the evil in the world, but still...  How does she know about it? 

Did she or the family watch the MTV awards?  If so, did they not realize that MTV is not for ELEVEN year olds?  I believe that show was actually rated for 14+.  Did this girl watch it in her room alone?  If so, why aren't her parents monitoring what she's watching?  Is it really a good idea for young children to have their own televisions and computers in today's world?  (case in point - twerking)

Was this girl exposed to twerking (I hate that word, btw) by friends?  If so, her mom needs to address it.  Now.  What else is this young girl doing with her friends that's inappropriate?  Do other parents know their kids are absorbing all this sexual hype?

Either way, this girl was exposed to it no matter the avenue.  It's the parent's job to teach their kids about what's ok and what's not ok.  Did they laugh together at how funny twerking is?  Or did the mom immediately address the vulgarity and immodesty and clarify that such things are done by women who simply don't know any better.  Or don't care.  (Offensive?  The truth hurts.)

This is a very young, very impressionable girl.  Again, I admit that there is no way to protect our innocent babes from everything...  But I honestly doubt the sincerity of this mom's intentions.  Why?

She's got her 11 year old daughter standing on a street corner in short shorts holding up a sign advertising her public twerking history.  The mom stands back with her arms folded and a satisfied smirk on her face while TV news reporters rush in to interview her about her "discipline technique."

Parenting fail.  EPIC parenting fail.

I find it ridiculous and pretty disturbing that so many parents find themselves to be so inept at properly disciplining their children that they resort to public humiliation.

This is an 11 year old.  Possibly pre-pubescent.  And her mom is standing her out in the open to be mocked, ridiculed, and embarrassed.  Does this mom feel any guilt for not being more proactive in the preservation of her daughters innocence?  Or is she just really proud of herself for making a big scene of it after the fact?  After the fact that her baby girl has already been overtly sexualized and lacks proper boundaries and a sense of modesty.

Does the mom even know she's done anything wrong?

Anybody with half a brain could figure out that public humiliation is not a good form of discipline.  It doesn't do anything but teach the kid that mistakes make you a horrible person to be pointed and laughed at.  Even by your parents.

I find it disgusting that this mom stands by claiming to be a concerned parent, all the while pointing at her 11 year old daughter (I can't stress the age enough) like it's the child's fault.  And the likely reason this mom has chosen this public tactic is because she's seen it done somewhere else and thought "that's one cool parent!"  When in reality, it just shows a complete lack of parenting comprehension.

And now this child's picture can be found all over Google.  In her short shorts.  And we all know she can twerk.  Proud of yourself now, Mom?

Either A) the child made a genuine mistake and should be corrected and punished appropriately.  AKA not being made to look like a whore.  By her mom.  Or B) the child doesn't have a good sense of okay vs. inappropriate which stems from the standards being taught at home. 

Public humiliation as a form of child punishment is sickening and just plain stupid.  Discipline is not meant to hurt your child.  It's meant to help them.  To correct them and prepare them for life.  To show them what's acceptable and safe.  There should be no glory and vengeful satisfaction taken from punishing a child.  The child has made a bad decision which directly reflects on the parent.  How the parent handles the correction of that bad decision reflects even more so on the parent. 

More and more parents are getting rave reviews from others and are being applauded for their "tough love."  I won't say that these parents don't love their children.  They obviously care enough to notice misbehavior.  However, I believe they are doing a horrible disservice to their children when they mistakenly group 'public humiliation of their own flesh and blood' into the category of 'discipline.'

Not at my house.

My husband does more on his days off than he does any other time.  Fixing other people's stuff, going grocery shopping with us, taking care of the yard, hauling off the garbage, playing with his kid... It's not even unusual for him to cook dinner or clean up.

Maybe I just picked a really good husband :)

Improving Birth

"This movement isn't about natural birth vs. medicated birth.  It's not about hospital birth vs. home birth. It's about women being capable of making safer, more informed decisions about their care and that of their babies, when they are given full and accurate information about their care options, including the potential harms, benefits, and alternatives. Then, within that choice, they are treated with dignity and respect."
Dawn Thomspon, Founder of ImprovingBirth.org
How awesome is that?! 
I've always been a little on the fence about being an anti drug, c-section, hospital, etc type person.  I don't want to be pitted against other moms because of their personal choices.  Making educated choices is of the utmost importance, but I believe there's no reason to say that Choice A makes you a better person than Choice B.  It's a lack of knowledge.
I had a natural birth in a birthing center with midwives and no medication in sight.  I remember getting more than a few shocked responses when we told friends and family of our plans. "I'm glad I won't be there to hear you scream."  "Why would you do that when you can make it easier on yourself with some medicine?"  "Midwives?  Wouldn't you feel better/safer with a doctor?"  "What if you never dilate?  "What if you can't do it?"  "Are you stupid?"
It was rare to receive much encouragement or support, but we trudged through everyone else's doubt and fear, and I'm SO glad we did.  We learned a lot about childbirth, medical "norms," my own body, and also how totally uneducated we were beforehand. 
We didn't start off with midwives and birthing centers and all this natural stuff.  Someone suggested we check it out, and my first thought was "um..no?.. Why would I want to see some voodoo-crazy-baby-whisperer when I have the option of a skilled, highly trained, medical professional?"  And then we went to the first few OB/GYN appointments.  The first thing that knocked me on my rear was the bill.  The monthly payments were outrageous.  Even with insurance, it was going to send us into debt.  But I figured it must just be normal and we would manage somehow.  The second thing to knock me on my rear was the brevity of the appointments.  They lasted literally less than five minutes.  No joke.  Less than five minutes.  They measured my tummy, asked a few questions, maybe gave me a book title, and that was that.  Not to mention, there was ZERO information about what was going on with my body/baby from the doctors.  All I knew was that I "measured good" and to "come back next month."  In short, we felt totally ripped off. 
We tentatively looked into the previously suggested birth center.  We almost didn't do it.  After calling to make an appointment, we learned that all potential patients were required to attend a mini-seminar, intro, tour-y thing before attending any appointments...  Friggin hippies.  But we figured we would go anyways!  And let me tell you...  I learned more about birth in those two hours than I previously had in my whole life.  We knew this was where we were supposed to be.  And midwives aren't voodoo ladies!  They just know A LOT, and their abounding skills and abilities can be eerie to us ill-informed folks.  We ended up having a fabulous pregnancy and an awesome, simple, no-scream-necessary birth.
Since our absolutely wonderful birth experience, I've become acutely aware of the fact that most women I know are just as uneducated about the subject as I once was.  My friends received inductions that weren't needed.  They were given medications that they knew nothing about.  Their artificially induced, drug laden labors "failed to progress," and the resulting C-Sections left them in pain for weeks.  My heart hurts for them and their babies.  I'm saddened that despite all the pain, trauma, and medical intervention, everyone still seemed totally content with the situation and even deemed it as normal. 
The really sad thing is that it actually is becoming normal.
According to the CDC website, over 30% of all births in the U. S. for 2011 were by Cesarean.  I absolutely refuse to believe that one out of every three mothers is unable to give birth vaginally.  Especially considering that 50 years ago, the Cesarean rate was below 5%.  What happened?  How is it that the medical community has advanced  so much, yet emergency surgery is needed more and more often for something that has occurred naturally for thousands of years? 
I won't say that birthing practices from the mid 1900s were optimal, though.  "Twilight sleep" may sound nice, but it was still unnecessary and potentially harmful for mom and baby.  Not only that, but I believe this period of it'll all be over when you wake up has done a lot of harm to the concept and understanding of birth and the female body in general. 
Many of our mothers and/or grandmothers were totally incapacitated and heavily medicated during birth.  An older lady once told me that her arms and legs were strapped down to a table while she gave birth because the effects of the anesthesia were so strong and unpredictable that moms-to-be would occasionally start thrashing violently during delivery.  That's scary!  Most anyone could tell you about a relative or friend that had a complication or emergency during birth and how traumatic and scary it was.  No wonder so many women are horrified at the idea of a natural birth.  If it's that scary with the doctors and medications and tip-top technology, just imagine what it must be like without it!
We've been conditioned to believe that birth is, in fact, a problem.  Whether everyone is willing to admit it or not, I believe that to be true.  Recall a birth scene from a movie or television show.  There's a screaming, sweaty, red-faced mother being coached by a team of nurses and an all knowing doctor, right?  She might scream "Get me that epidural!" or "God is a sadist!"  She's giving birth, and it requires lots of staff, lots of intervention, lots of technology, and lots of pain, turmoil and stress on her part.  We've been conditioned to believe that's just how it is.  And that's sad.
When we become pregnant, our immediate reaction is to seek out a doctor to deliver our baby.  When did that become normal?  When did we begin to doubt our ability to procreate naturally like every other species in the universe?  When did we forget that our bodies are quite literally MADE for giving birth?  Answerless questions...
Thinking back on all the negative responses I got from the unbelievers, I'm deeply saddened.  Every one of those nay sayers believes that natural birth is the wrong choice.  That it's dangerous, unnecessary, and dumb...  And they only believe that because that's what we've been conditioned to believe.  Giving birth is something that a woman has to endure.  Something she has to try to survive.  It's been made out to be a dirty, horrible thing, and it's so so far from that.

Birth fact!

Lying on your back is one of the worst positions for giving birth.
Lithotomy is one of, if not THE most popular positions for laboring and giving birth in America. (It accounts for well over half of all births in America.)  A close runner up is a reclined sitting position. 
Research shows that women are able to labor more effectively and give birth more easily if they are allowed to choose their own positions and change them accordingly throughout labor and delivery.  An upright position is often favored. (squatting, standing, kneeling)  Updated medical textbooks detail that an upright position is beneficial to a birthing mom, especially a first time mom.  Despite heaps of documented evidence against lithotomy, the majority of women are told that they should remain on their backs during labor and delivery.
Why is it a less than stellar position?
It can compress a large vein called the vena cava that can reduce blood flow to the placenta.  It works against gravity and creates more work for mom and baby.  The  compression of the uterus while in this position can lower baby's oxygen supply.  It can decrease the size of the birth canal by as much as 30%.  There is a greater chance of the need for delivery "assistance" in the form of vacuums, forceps, and episiotomies. 
Why is it so popular?
Basically, it makes it easier on the staff.  Doctors and nurses can more easily assess/access a laboring woman in this position.  Most hospitals will use fetal monitoring devices that are not movement friendly and require mom to remain in a lying position.  (It also should be noted that continuous electronic fetal monitoring has not shown to have any effect on fetal outcome.  It has, however, been related to an increased number of Cesareans.)
A few resources and references :
http://summaries.cochrane.org/CD002006/position-in-the-second-stage-of-labour-for-women-without-epidural-anaesthesia
http://www.scienceandsensibility.org/?tag=why-to-avoid-giving-birth-on-your-back
And pretty much any other book or website detailing birthing positions...

So, he said we can do it.

Have another baby, I mean. But...can? Of course we can. But should we? Is it a responsible decision? Does he even want another child or am I just being allowed to have one? His ambivalence makes me worry.

I think it's just part of my makeup as a woman to want to make babies. And the feeling that I'd be so much better at it a second time around makes that want even bigger. But I think I'm sort of depending on him to be the voice of reason. If there is a need to be reasoned with. I know he loves me and wants to give me what I want... but is me having what I want going to make his life suck? Does he feel guilty for not giving me another child? Does he feel sorry for me? Would he even tell me those things?

I just don't know what to make of it. I really, really want to have another baby. (Which is crazy because I specifically remember thinking "I will NEVER do this again!"..lol..hrm..) But I don't want another baby at the expense of what I already have. I don't want him to be (more) stressed over money, and I don't want him to regret "letting" me have another baby.

It's been so back-and-forth. I think my mind is exhausted by it. Thinking about it makes me feel sooo nervous. I just don't want to have any regrets either way.

BLAH.

"I don't tell my daughter she's beautiful."

I can't believe people actually admit to that. Like they're proud of themselves for being above a compliment or just sooo deep.

I read a blog where a lady goes into great depth describing how being told throughout her life that she was beautiful had left her burdened with a false sense of self and a misunderstanding of real character value. She said she tried to keep herself from telling her daughter she's beautiful because of that. Too much focus of physical attributes can be damaging. But so can too little.

Dictionary.com's definition of the word beautiful:

Adj.
1. having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2. excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef. wonderful;
3. very pleasing or satisfying.

My daughter does have beauty. And she gives me great pleasure in many ways, she delights me, she is excellent, wonderful, pleasing, and satisfying.

My daughter is beautiful.

And I will tell her that every single day.

Will I tell her that her hair is nicer than someone else's? Or that her perfect skin makes her a better person? Of course not. Telling your child they are beautiful does not equal teaching them vanity. Vanity is learned through rudeness, excess, undeserving entitlement, parental behaviors, etc. I fully believe that you can teach your child that they're beautiful as well as teach them not to be vain. Maybe that concept is just too complex for these deep thinkers... /sarcasm

I've read that instead of telling them they're beautiful, a parent should focus on telling a child they're intelligent, or delightfully inquisitive, or whatever other baloney I can't be bothered to BS my way through. Why does it have to be an either/or thing? I tell my kid she's smart AND beautiful.

I had a lot of self-esteem issues starting at a very early age and still deal with them today. I'm self conscious about my appearance. Am I better off because I feel intelligent (or at least not super dumb), crafty, spiritual, etc? No. Just no.

And it's not just about telling your daughter they're physically attractive or "pretty" in the sense of runway model or movie star type pretty. It doesn't matter if she has stringy hair or acne or huge birthmarks or if she's absolutely flawless and actually is a runway model. Your daughter should be beautiful to you, and she needs to know that. 

It's our jobs as parents to make sure our kids feel good about themselves. Because who else is going to do it? Sure, they might end up marrying someone awesome that tells them they're lovely, but what about the first twenty years of their lives? What about those social skill building years? What about those teenage years that have lifelong effects? That's OUR time. How will a child feel when their parents... their parents... spent 18+ years avoiding the subject of their beauty or appearance? What would you think if how you felt about your face was a taboo emotion?

My daughter has "failure to thrive" which, in our specific situation, is a cop-out name for your kid is totally healthy but doesn't fit on our graph thing and we don't know why. Do you know how many times pediatricians have looked at my baby girl with squinty, skeptical eyes while trying to determine what's wrong with her? Only to decide that she's just not average sized.

I despise going to appointments for that reason. My daughter is totally healthy in all ways, but has to stand there and be pondered over. It hurts my heart to think of the day when she'll realize what's going on. Someone is looking for her flaws. Actively seeking out her imperfections. Analyzing everything about her to find that "AHA! There's her abnomality!" factor.

It's my job to make her feel beautiful. To make her know that she is. Inside and out and in so many ways. To teach her that being a beautiful person is NOT about fitting into categories and standards. She is not too small or too skinny or too pale or too anything. She is absolutely beautiful in every way possible. Anybody and everybody is beautiful, and THAT'S OKAY.

CafeMom

I don't even know where to start with this.  Is this a review?  A rant?  Vent?  I have no idea...

If you've never heard of it, CafeMom.com is a community website for moms. (duh)  It has the same stuff as most other "mommy sites" including articles, videos, and a message board.  The message board is what I'm focusing on for this particular blog.

I've been a member of several mommy boards in the past, and still enjoy a few of them.  I joined CafeMom thinking it was just another run of the mill forum.  But it turns out that CafeMom is the place people talk about when they refer to vicious online mom-against-mom crime.  It's hardcore, name calling, child insulting, emotional assault type stuff.

One of the unique things about CafeMom is the ability to reply or post new threads anonymously.  Because the internet isn't anonymous enough, right?  You can say pretty much whatever you want, and NO ONE knows who it is.  I think this is one of the major crutches of this site.  Without this anonymous feature, half of the members would leave.  Some, because it would make them responsible (aka we'd know their screenname :/) for the terrible things they say.  And others because there is a constant fear of offending someone who would FLIP OUT on you and start sending you threatening messages.

There are the people that get offended over everything, as there is everywhere in the world.  But then there are the people who make it their mission to offend others.  While on this site, I've been called a b*tch for not wanting to answer my phone sometimes, and someone once called my baby and myself "lazy" because of the fact that she breastfed for 13 months.  I mean...  What?  How does that even make sense?  And it's not just that people speak their opinion.  They seek out any reason to just be -mean- to anybody/everybody.  Calling people fat, ugly, whores, etc.  It's ridiculous.

The debates on CafeMom are just pointless.  I enjoy reading and occasionally participating in a good debate.  But the stuff on here goes way beyond idiotic.  You have a good portion of members providing well thought out responses, providing sources and legitimate information.  And then you have the handful of people who burst in with the "no, you're wrong because I disagree with your opinions, and that makes you a stupid a-hole" type responses.  And that starts a seemingly endless circle of "you're stupid," "no, you," "no, YOU."  *sigh*  It ruins any chance of either side getting a real understanding of the other.

And then there's the whole food situation.  Pretty much anything you feed your kid is going to give them a brain tumor and kill them.  Unless you bought the seeds from a special organic farm in Iowa for a ludicrous price, planted it in special (ludicrously priced) soil, protected it from polluted rain water, use homemade fruit & veggie cleanser, and steamed it ever so lightly with filtered water...*inhale*... then you should be jailed for feeding your family "garbage."

Don't get me started on the food stamp feud.  Ugh.  I don't even have the words.

My final take on CafeMom.com - Join if you want.  Post at your own risk.  Expect to have your mood plummet after a few minutes of thread browsing.  Search carefully and thoroughly for the friendlier groups, and use caution when looking for friends.